Top five things to do before taking your child to a movie

1. Go to a stranger’s house.
2. Seat the child in a chair next to you and seat the strangers around you.
3. Turn off the lights and turn on a movie with the same rating as the one you’re planning to attend.
4. Tell the child to (a) sit still and (b) be quiet.
5. If the child can’t do either (a) OR (b) throughout the entire movie, DO NOT GO TO A PUBLIC THEATER. Please. I beg you.